Well my friend, Baby Jane, is turning 50 on Dec. 17th. She is going to have a small party on the day – a few friends meeting at the hotel in the middle of the village. The hotel is also part of the real estate company that builds these gated communities and schools. I swear I live in the company store. It is as if they took a page from the book that describes the formation of the unions. But instead of viewing it from the side of the workers, they thought, “Great idea! Let’s build a town, put in a hotel, build some stores and a school, then we can make money off the people at every turn. We’ll pay them, but they will give the money right back each time they buy anything, pay for tuition, etc.”

I have not tried to picket or form a demonstration here, but I suspect the ever present cameras on the streets and the security guards zipping around on their battery-powered scooters will alert the red army to roll in and put a boot on or a bullet in my complaints. I did hear there was a big meeting a week ago between the school administration and the local Chinese teachers, the school cafeteria staff, and the maintenance workers. Only a few of the international teachers were invited – only the ones who kiss ass and never speak up and probably report back when anyone, namely me, is planning a revolution. Apparently, the Chinese people were screaming and yelling because the school has not contributed to their pension plans as per their contract. The discussion was very heated. Not sure what will happen with that. In the words of H. Rap Brown, “A penny for a match to burn down the establishment!” At a school with no fire alarm system, fire extinguishers, or sprinkler system, this place would be ground zero in minutes.

BUT now I digress. I was late for her Wednesday night dinner because I had final rehearsals for my play. It was a fun dinner with a few teachers. The real party was going to be held on Saturday. I was going to make my very delicious vanilla, chocolate, and red velvet checkerboard cake with a cream cheese frosting. I bought an oven and an electric mixer a few weeks ago so I was ready. Also, a few of you out there may remember I had a baking biz so my baking skills are A-level.

So, I planned to bake the cakes in my large toaster oven on Friday after school. I decided to skip the school Christmas party and bake instead. The cheap school was charging the teachers 100 yuan (about $17 to attend) – a buffet dinner of roasted turkey and veges and all you can drink beer and wine for 3 hours — no thanks!!!!!!!

I managed to make the three layers and bake them in my little oven without any problems. The oven is truly like a child’s oven with light bulbs providing the heat. The mixer was the problem. It was my first time using it. It was a little slow, but it eventually was able to mix the ingredients. It did not have much power so I had to whip a lot by hand.

Saturday morning I planned to make the frosting and put the cake together. With limited counter space, I was able to level the three layers of cake and cut them into circular rings. Then I reassembled them so that each layer had a ring of each of the three flavors. The order of the rings changes with each layer so when you stack it and cut it, the slice has a checkerboard pattern.

So I start making the cream cheese frosting. The motor on the mixer started groaning and then it started smoking and burst into flames – not like a fireball, but a 4-inch flame was flickering out of the vents in the front. I threw it on the ground and covered it with a towel. The plug came out of the socket when I threw it down.

Now I had cake but no frosting. There was no way I was going to be cakeless. I had bragged how I was making this fabulous cake for her 50th. I was not going to let Baby Jane down. I did not want her to write a letter of complaint to daddy!

I hopped on my phone and sent frantic messages to everyone I know here begging for a mixer to use. Thank god someone answered and brought down her mixer. I was able to finish the frosting.
I was able to ice the cake and get it smooth even without the help of a proper cake stand. I piped decorations on the cake and wrote happy birthday on it with pink frosting. I had purchased numbered candles when I visited Hanoi in November for this cake – I had planned her cake for a while. It was beautiful!

When the guests arrived they were shocked to see such a lovely cake. Everyone remarked how I should open a business in China — no thanks. This place SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

Not everyone could stay for the barbecue, so we sang happy birthday early and ate the cake before we grilled. Baby Jane was so thrilled when we cut the cake because no one expected to the checkerboard pattern. It was delicious as always and some people had 2-3 slices.

Around 6pm we started the grills. Baby Jane brought hers up to my apartment so we could have both going at once. The wind shifted and started blowing the smoke into my apartment. Someone in the building complained because the next thing I knew there was a knock at the door. The security guard came in yelling in Chinese and pointing up to the ceiling. I figured he was saying the upstairs neighbor had complained. He walked out to the balcony and started yelling more. I just said, “xie xie” which means thank you because I do not know how to say “sorry.” Everyone else started saying “xie xie” too and we were all bowing. He must have thought we were just a bunch of idiot foreigners and then left. Once he was gone, we turned the music back on and kept cooking. A few of the partygoers armed with pieces of cardboard stood in the opening of the glass doors fanning the smoke the other way. Baby Jane started doing her African fire dance as we all laughed and continued our partying.

I was truly worried that the building administration was going to fine me or tell me that I had to get rid of my grill. Baby Jane said, “If they take away our right to grill, our lives are over. It’s the only fun we have!” We both decided not to have parties with 2 grills – only one.

We had grilled pork, lamb chops, chicken, and salmon. It was a fun party.

In the end, nothing happened…so the grilling continues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!